Nightmares
by pippin143
Summary: Though in Steins;Gate and in a stable, romantic relationship with Kurisu, the woman he loves, Okabe continues to suffer from PTSD across the timelines. Kurisu wants to comfort and be there for him, but his traumatic experience is something she will never fully understand.


**I do not own anything. All the characters and rights belong to Steins;Gate authors/producers at 5pb and Nitroplus**

 **I had the pleasure to write a ff for a class and now that I turned it in, I am eager to share it with the world! Here's to a new fandom obsession! (Sorry its a bit short, only could be 1000 words)**

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She was dead again. No matter how many times he time leapt, Mayuri always died. He held her tightly in his arms, the guttural cry buried deep within his lungs aching as it fought its way out. He didn't have to accept this. He never would accept this. Mayuri would not die. The blood soaking his lab coat would disappear, the SERN assassins wouldn't find them this time, her eyes would be full of life once again—!

"Okabe!" Mayuri's dead body vanished before him like picture on a slide, so fast he failed to process it was a memory from a different timeline. Heart hammering and lungs agonizingly gasping, he whirled around in confusion. It was dark, someone had a hold of him, and his clothes were soaked with cold sweat. Where was he? Did the time leap fail? Had SERN captured him? Was Mayuri still dead?

"Mayuri is fine," the familiar voice soothed over his incoherent mumblings for his adopted sister, its reassurance thinly concealing deep worry within. "She's alive, I'm alive. Everyone is alive." The woman gently grabbed his face and forced him to look at her. "Okabe!"

"Kurisu?" He breathed, heart finally settling as he found those bright eyes in the darkness. Slumping into her warmth, his body shook slightly as he gave up fighting his tears. It was a dream, a memory from a timeline that didn't exist anymore. Mayuri was alive. Kurisu was alive. They were in Steins;Gate.

Kurisu held him tighter, her own emotions forming a suppressed knot in her throat. She couldn't cry; he needed her to be strong. Nuzzling into his damp hair, she was able to cradle him for a few cherished moments before he broodingly broke away. He threw his legs off the bed, feat clumsily finding his slippers and stumbled through their dark bedroom towards terrace. She heard him hastily rip open the curtains, flooding the room with pale moonlight, and watched as his haggard form stepped out the door.

Coming to his side without hesitation, she found him leaning against the railing and staring blankly at the quiet city below, the horrors of a dozen lives' memories holding him captive. Shivering in her loose pajamas, she remained quietly by his side and slowly placed a warm hand over his cold.

"You need to talk to me." She finally demanded.

His shoulder's tightened in response.

"Okabe, I know I only understand a fraction of this hell you're going through—the timeline where I died, though haunting, just feels like a bad dream, and Mayuri must have it far worse than me—but I want to help you. Just like I've always helped you."

"Are you referring to our life together now or memories across the timelines?"

"I mean," she stammered, flushing with embarrassment, "If you insist on calling them that, and they are more like feelings. But that's beside the point!" He never failed to upset her that she remembered more than she let on. It was far better to disregard those lives and focus on the one here and now. If only she could help him do the same. "Don't shut me out."

He looked at her now with that distant expression, seeing her in memories they no longer shared, the dozens of lives she would never fully understand, never fully remember. Her mind wasn't like his, whatever caused him to retain his memories through time jumps couldn't be recreated by her. But she'd been able to find within her dreams what was important: her love for Okabe, their first kiss, and flashes of happy memories she'd once shared with her friends. And her gruesome sacrifice to set the timeline back on track. Shuddering as the long lost ghost of a knife slid between her ribs, she clenched her fingers around his. Even if her separate lives with him felt distant, she would never forget the lengths he went to in order to save her and their world.

"Okabe," she begged quietly, "Please don't shut me out. Don't leave us—this world we fought so hard to create." She squeezed his hand tighter, tears sparkling in her blue eyes.

"Kristina!" Okabe scolded with mock offense, wrenching his hand from her and adopting his mad scientist persona. His laughing voice, however, quavered and failed to conceal the misery in his eyes. "How dare you insinuate I would leave my paradise?! Scientists cannot even conceive the utopia I've built! I, Kyouma Hououin, the great—!"

"Okabe!" Kurisu yelled, taking a threatening step towards him, tears escaping in her sudden burst of frustration.

"Will never leave you again." Okabe promised in a quiet voice, dropping the act and pulling her close. Dipping his nose down to hers, he lovingly confessed, "I need you in my life, Kurisu, just as much as I needed to save Mayuri on the alpha line." His hug tightened possessively and voice trembled. "You're my anchor. You've always been. You keep me steady when I'm about to fall."

The cold wind stirred up Kurisu's long, red hair, concealing their tearful kiss and promise from the world, ensuring this special moment remained only theirs. Breaking apart with a relieved smile, she led him hand in hand back into their apartment.

"It's hard to talk about these memories," he admitted behind her, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze as he closed the terrace door, "because it's just something none of you can ever fully understand. It hurts being alone with these all these lives jumbled in my head, all the pain we've went through. But what's worse is that the relationships that we built, that led me to love and need you—remain only in my head. It's like they were just a fantasy. It kills me."

Kirisu enveloped his tall, lanky form in a passionate hug. "Then let's make new memories in this life." She whispered against his rapidly beating heart. "Ones that will never be forgotten or tarnished. Together."


End file.
